Practicing Self-Compassion Is Hard

Why is it that people are fundamentally better at being compassionate and caring towards others than they are towards themselves?

What is it about self-compassion that makes most of us not very good at practicing it?

In this article we will dive into:

• The underlying scripts from society - how we’ve learned to value other people’s opinions and compare ourselves.

• There’s a misconception that self-compassion means complacency. We find meaning in progress because we are hard-wired that way

• Self-compassion feels soft and vulnerable and most people avoid that.

Self-compassion is an important part of having a growth mindset and learning how to develop into your best self. But most people suck at practicing it. Why is it that we push ourselves relentlessly or tell ourselves that we could have done better with our efforts?

When was the last time that you actually let yourself feel a sense of accomplishment at something you did? And I’m not talking about a 5-second pause before starting up the next project on your list.

The skill of self-compassion is made up of three elements:

• Self-kindness

• Common humanity

• Mindfulness

Self-kindness is about being generous and decent to yourself.

Common humanity is recognizing that you are a part of a greater whole of humanity. You’re not isolated in your suffering and problems.

Mindfulness is also a part of self-compassion as you need to work on being non-judgemental and consciously aware of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and experiencing.

This is a hard skill to develop in yourself. There’s a lot going against you that makes practicing self-compassion so hard.

But self-compassion will positively change your life and so you owe it to yourself to put in the effort to rewrite some of these invisible scripts that you tell yourself about self-compassion so that you can go further while also being appreciative of where you are at now.

Underlying scripts from society

How we’ve learned to value other peoples’ opinions and compare ourselves.

Fear of other people’s opinions or FOPO holds us back from being self-compassionate. When you’re hurting and need a day off from the gym, you find yourself watching Navy SEALS on Instagram waking up before the sun to run 100 miles and you think about how if they can do that, you shouldn’t be taking a day off.

Or when your eyes are bugging out of your head from working at a computer all day but you think about that entrepreneur online who appears to be hustling hard 24/7 and so you just keep on working through the exhaustion and digging a deeper hole for yourself.

Comparison, undoubtedly, is the thief of joy.

These underlying scripts tell us that we will be judged and criticized for doing what we feel in our hearts we need at the moment to recharge or just take care of ourselves.

We only get the picture of what people want to share of their life online though and this is why is can be such a harmful image when it seems like all go and taking no days off.

Self-compassion and complacency.

The misconception about self-compassion means complacency.

We find meaning in progress because we are hard-wired that way. Our brains are constantly seeking out the next step on our journey.

Recognizing that we are driven by dopamine is an important part of having more self-compassion. By knowing this, we can identify when we are feeling unease at sitting still or seemingly not making enough progress. And once we can recognize this, we can accept and embrace that progress looks different for everyone and sometimes the best progress comes from taking a break to recover and recharge. Or that it means pivoting to something new when what we’ve been attempting is no longer working for us.

Self-compassion feels soft and vulnerable.

Most people want to avoid vulnerability at all costs. They keep their secrets held close and don’t open up about anything to anyone.

While there are many thought leaders expressing themselves out in the world and sharing the importance of vulnerability, this is still not the default for most of us.

Have you ever been on a car ride with someone where the silence was deafening? You know that something is up with them but they’d rather stare out the window with lips held tight instead of having a conversation. You can sense it because our ability to read a situation goes far beyond just language.

One of the reasons we like to follow people like Brene Brown and Russell Brand and all those influencers online who have expressed a part of their story to the world is that it’s brave and we have a strong desire to feel the same way.

Being self-compassionate does not mean you are soft although it often means opening yourself up, at least to yourself, so that you can correctly understand what and how you are feeling.

Only through practice will you come to understand how to express yourself.

So then, with the three elements that makeup self-compassion, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, think about what you can do to work a little of these into your day.